


Touch Me, Tell Me All Is Forgiven

by BeautyGraceOuterSpace



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Drabble Collection, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Touch starved Jim Kirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-10-17 08:53:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20618333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeautyGraceOuterSpace/pseuds/BeautyGraceOuterSpace
Summary: He stops trying, after everything. Frank. Tarsus. Years of conditioning against contact. He never initiates touch, and is wary of receiving it. He’s had his flinch response well in hand for years by the time a couple of Starfleet cadets go head to head with him in the bar in Riverside. Hell, a fist to the face feels like home. He almost craves the touch. Almost.





	Touch Me, Tell Me All Is Forgiven

He stops trying, after everything.

Frank.

Tarsus.

Years of conditioning against contact.

He never initiates touch, and is wary of receiving it. He’s had his flinch response well in hand for years by the time a couple of Starfleet cadets go head to head with him in the bar in Riverside. Hell, a fist to the face feels like home. He almost craves the touch.

Almost. 

Christopher Pike saunters in and peels him off the floor with a firm grip on his bicep, but he still shrugs his way out of the hold as soon as his feet are under him. The flicker of comprehension in Pike’s eye tells Jim he may have done so a bit too forcefully, and he spend the rest of their interaction leaning away, the picture of indifference, and nonchalant to a fault. 

Pike offers him a chance at making something of himself besides a wildly disappointing obituary, and Jim takes it with little deliberation. He stumbles onto the shuttle heading for San Francisco at “way too fucking early” in the morning, and maneuvers his way through the sea of bodies on board before seating himself next to a still empty seat– less chance of bumping elbows that way– and strapping himself in. 

He leans away as the angry and slightly disheveled man– still grumbling about aviophobia– throws himself gracelessly into the seat beside Jim and tilts into his space ever so slightly. Jim is thankful for the bar between them. 

But then the guy– Leonard McCoy– offers Jim his flask. Jim’s never been one to turn down a free drink, so he carefully plucks the metal thermos from the other man’s hand and introduces himself in turn. If McCoy notices the extra effort Jim took not to brush fingers with him, he doesn’t mention it. 

Two months later, when he and “Bones”– as he’s dubbed the doctor– are ambling back to campus drunk and giggling, Bones slings his arm over Jim’s shoulder and Jim– reflexes dulled by the booze and the easy going banter between them– flinches _hard_. He feels Bones tense in response, and does his best to laugh it off. Bones isn’t fooled, but he doesn’t remove his arm. 

It picks up after that. Bones brushes hands with him when they pass things to each other in the cafeteria or during study sessions. He gives Jim good natured pats on the back, and ruffles his hair when he’s particularly amused by Jim’s snark or wants him to lighten up about something. He puts his arm around Jim and gives him one armed hugs and starts putting his hand up for high-fives when Jim reports some good news. 

And Jim… waits. Waits for it to get weird. Waits for Bones to call him out on never initiating the contact, or for craving it too much, or for… something, anything other than this constant physical affection for no real reason. 

When he thinks about it too hard, he feels overwhelmed by something he can’t define, deep in his chest and radiating through his ribs. He eagerly awaits these moments. He’s terrified by that thought. 

The bottom never falls out. The other shoe never drops. Jim fucks up again and again, gets himself beat to hell in fights, causes more than one scene on campus with professors and stupid ideas… and Bones never changes, even if the touch does, a little. 

If Jim says something stupid but with no real consequences, Bones gives him a tap on the head– not painful, not a slap, just a playful acknowledgement that he thinks Jim is being a little shit. If Jim really and truly screws up, Bones bitches to high heaven, rants himself hoarse and then turns to Jim with a frown and roughly draws him into a hug just this side of too tight. 

(The first time he does that Jim just about chokes, because in the past when people have yelled at him and then reached for him, it hadn’t ended well.) 

Their moods change. Their tempers flare. They have their share of spats and heart to hearts, and through it all Bones never takes away his touch, never leaves and never falters. 

And Jim is confused by it, but he’s terrified of losing it so he says nothing. 

One day, when they’ve gotten their semester grades and are alone in Bones’ single dorm looking them over, Bones huffs out a laugh of relief. 

“I did it,” he says, breathlessly giddy. “I passed the flight sims!” 

Jim had helped him for weeks before hand– practicing the runs, focusing him through his panic– and had rescheduled one of his own exams to be present. 

“Thank you so much, kid, I could not have done it without you!” Bones exclaims sagging with relief. 

Jim doesn’t say anything. He steps forward and hastily wraps an arm around Bones, thumping him on the back lightly a few times before releasing him and stepping back, shoving his trembling hands into his pockets. 

“Anytime, man,” he mumbles, eyes on the floor. 

Bones is staring at him. Jim knows he is, but he can’t bring himself to look at Bones, not now. His face flames red and he hikes his shoulders up minutely against whatever response was coming. 

Bones stepped forward and gently plucked Jim’s own PADD from his hand, fingers brushing Jim’s as he did so. 

With a nudge of his shoulder and a conspiratorial smirk, he replies, “Let’s see how you did, eh, hotshot?” 

Nothing changes. But everything has changed. 


End file.
